“Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.” – Lord Chesterfield
Yes, you read the title correctly. Women don’t want you behaving like you are in a porno. You see, porn exists to replace sex, not the other way around. Its main purpose is to substitute the sensation of the real thing with exaggerated sights and sounds in an attempt to make the viewer forget that they are not actually having sex. The fact is, real-life sex is way better than what you see on screen.
That’s why performers scream with pleasure from the first moment of contact and inflate their boobs to such an incredible size. Over-the-top moans hope to replace hot breath on your throat. Those ballooning bosoms are trying to compete with the feeling of nipples hardening in your palms. And Brazilian waxes replace the feeling of penetration with gynecological close-ups – you may not feel a vagina, but you can sure see one.
Why would you try to compete with this when reality has so many advantages? In a camera-free bedroom, you get points for showing up. A bird in the hand is worth two on the screen (even if they’re both airline pilots and one ‘forgot’ his uniform today). Most women are pleased a man has agreed to come, undress them and take the time to do what it takes to get them the well-deserved orgasm. Everything else is a bonus.
That’s not to suggest you lie there smug and motionless like a handsome, naked starfish, but flipping maniacally through gymnastic positions, as though there’s a karma-sutric checklist to complete before climax is a bit terrifying. Besides, it puts pressure on us to keep up, and the last thing we need is another reason to worry about our lack of inflated bosoms or toned abdomen.
On-screen fantasies often don’t translate well to reality, where there are no editing facilities. Positions aren’t chosen for pleasure – they’re chosen to fit a camera lens, delivering maximum flesh for the viewer at home. A lot of the positions you see in porn movies are awkward at best and painful at worst. Unless you have an audience, what’s wrong with missionary, doggie-style or cowgirls, front or reverse? They all feel just as good as having her knees over her head while you prop her against a wall, and with less athletic strain.
Playing the porn star is a self-conscious act – putting on a show instead of enjoying the actual sex. If you’re focused on how you think you should behave, you’re probably not enjoying the sweaty fun and neither does your partner. So stop trying to be a version of Rob Jeremy, relax and joy it. Everyone knows real life is better than the movies anyway.
Have a cool week,Gabrielle MooreThe voice of Naked U · Who we are
